Being Present With Your Kids

Why is being more present with your kids important for fathers?

We will answer that question in this week's podcast episode of Thriving Fatherhood.

We will also be talking about the how. How do you manage your time, work, relationships, and other priorities to be there more for your kids?

What does being present look like and not, and how can you improve this in your fatherhood journey? 

I would love to connect with you on Facebook, and feel free to join our group, Thriving Fatherhood, where I offer more on how to thrive in fatherhood.

Transcript

Welcome to the Thriving Fatherhood Podcast, where we are living and working in the trenches to go from surviving to thriving in this mission field called fatherhood. 

My name is Brian Knight. I am a father of three, a husband, a son, a coach, and a believer in Jesus Christ.

Today, I am going to be talking about being present with your kids. When I say present, I don’t mean you are in the house and doing something else. I mean, you are engaging with the kids. You are playing with them, teaching them, disciplining them, consoling them, and cheering them on when they have learned something new.

I will be honest, this has not been the easiest concept for me to learn and I am still working on it, and still need work on it. 

I wanted to start off with some stats I found courtesy of Focus on The Family. One thing I plan to do more of on the podcast in the future is connect the content to data. I think it drives the point home, but you guys know that fatherhood is critical for bringing up the next generation or you would not be here.

Nearly 20 million children in America, that is almost 1 in 4 live without a father in the home. Now, that is a father not in the home, we are not even talking about homes where the father is present but may just live there and not engage with his children for whatever reason. Maybe he works a lot, or has little interest, or takes the attitude of children being a woman’s work. 

Children without a father are more likely to grow up with financial challenges and more likely to drop out of school. Boys from fatherless homes are more likely to be involved in a violent crime, while girls are more likely to become pregnant as teenagers. In addition:

• 71% of all high school dropouts come from homes with absent fathers.
• 85% of all youth in prison come from fatherless homes.
• 90% of all homeless and runaway children come from fatherless environments.
• 70% of teen suicides occur in homes where there isn’t a dad

I know for most of you the statistics are not surprising. You get it, dads are important. I guess a better question would be what is being present and how do you do it better?

Before I talk about that I did want to mention. I asked my associate pastor what are the three biggest struggles for Christian fathers today. He immediately said time. The other two were direction and feeling inadequate. I want to talk quickly about time. 

I did a whole podcast on how fathers can find more time in episode eight. Check that out when you get some time.  

I know you fathers have already more on your plate than you know what to do with now. I will just share from my own experience as a father of three, husband, full-time job with an hour commute both ways, and a coaching business, etc., how I get it all done, eventually!!!!  

First, you need to write your to dos on a list. Why? So, you can get it out of your head and on paper. You do not need it swirling around in there. Then you need a calendaring system, I use google Calander. It works for now.  You need a way of prioritizing things. Maybe pick one, two, or three things you need to get done today or this week. You need to honor your calendar, in other words do what you said, when you said it. It is better to make the decision to do something ahead of time rather than in the moment. See, if you do not have it on your calendar, when the time comes to do something, you will think of reasons not to do it or do something else instead. Your life will be dictated by randomness, in other words, whatever is the need at the moment. Also, it helps to have deadlines on starting and completing something.  For example, one of my projects today is to install some extra shelving in our pantry. I bought the shelving on FB marketplace and I am going to install it. I have never put shelving up in a pantry, but I have it on my calendar to figure it out today. I know that is my DIY project to do today, not one of the other ten DIYs I have on my list. You know why, because I already made the decision ahead of time. Ok, enough about that.

What is being present and how do you do it better. Being present to me is taking as many opportunities to be with your kids as possible. Now what does that mean? Brian, I have to work and do other stuff. I can not be there all the time. For example, my son has his first day of First Grade, I am planning to be there for that. It is a new school, we are going to school on a golf cart, and it will support my wife if I ride along and help out so she does not have to face it all by herself. Now, I have other things I can do or be doing with my time, but I am choosing to be present for this moment. So, be mindful of opportunities to be present in your kid’s life and supporting your spouse. That never hurts. If you are truly doing your best then that is all you can do. The rest is in God’s hands.  

I want to point out something about doing your best. I see a lot of fathers, I know, because I was one of them. Choosing to earn money over time. Now I get that, you have bills to pay and certain lifestyle you want to maintain, and inflation and real-estate is crazy right now. I want you to remember this. Every time, you choose to buy that new car over the one that is a few years old, or you buy the house that is more than you need, especially if you are trying to prove to others how successful you are, you are taking away your freedom of time. What do I mean by this? If the items you are buying are causing you to work more hours, odd hours (weekends, night shift), or pick up a second job in order to make ends meet then you have to take a look at what you are choosing to spend your money on. Having these luxuries are robbing you of your ability to be present for your kids. And if your wife stays at home, that may be what you have to do to make ends meet. I get it, but be really intentional about the items you are purchasing and say is the used item enough to meet my needs or do I need the new item which will quickly lose that new feeling and lose its value. Now, you are having to work extra hours in order to pay for something that you really did not need, and nobody else really cares about. It is just robbing you of your time in order to pay for it. I want to end with this, if you must work extra hours or odd hours, let it be a temporary thing, have a game plan to get out of that situation. Cut expenses, get new training, get another job. 

I want to talk a little bit about the WHY of being present. While fathers are present, they teach values, commitments, and beliefs to their children by living it out right in front of them. If a father is loving their mother, or doing a DIY around the house and does great work, his children are drawing upon the goodness and strength of his example. 

So, before doing anything else, have you done the deep work to figure out who you are and what your life is all about? You need to ask yourself what’s most important. What is the one thing that gets you up in the morning, and what do you most earnestly desire to pass along to your kids. You have to figure out who you are and what your life is about.

As a father, what is that one thing you have laid hold of and internalized for yourself. Something rooted in your life experience, identity, purpose, passion, gifts, core values, and responsibilities. Your not looking to an expert, a guru, a popular celebrity, or public opinion to tell you what’s valuable and true. The goal is to identify your own personal beliefs and desires and pass those on to your kids. 

Moving to the how. A lot of this I have already covered. Each day I have time set aside for reading to the kids and playing with them. There is a great saying out there. What gets scheduled, get done. Schedule in time with your kids each day, be very intentional or the time will get away from you. 

My schedule now after many years is pretty much the same. Each day between 6 and 630 I schedule in family devotions, 630 to 7p I play with my children. That could be shooting guns, hiding seek, or whatever they want to do. I just ask them; they always have an answer. Next, I spend about 15 or 20 minutes tucking them into bed. I do not see them in the morning because I leave around 6am for work every day. One of these days, I will not have to leave for work at 6am I will be present for them in the morning. 

If I know about important events in each of my child’s life then I schedule them in my calendar and I take appropriate steps to try to be present. Even if it cost us financially. We have gotten to a point where we are able to afford surviving off my salary. So, I do not work the nights and weekends anymore as a bedside nurse. 

Next, Take an active role in the family dynamics. If you see something your wife does not want to do or is fearful of doing. Then handle it. That is a father’s role is to take leadership and ownership of his family. 

How often we think, "I'm too busy for the kids!" Yet time goes by so fast. Treasure each moment with your children, and don't neglect them. Express your love to them.

To know that our children walk with the Lord — that is our great hope. But we need to remember that they don't belong to us; they belong to God. Our responsibility is to point them to Him.

That is what I have for you today; if you feel this show has been valuable to you, I encourage you to share it with one other father who could gain some insight from it and wants more thriving in their lives. 

Also, I would love to hear how you are being more present with your children or how being present has impacted your relationship with your children. Please share that with me in the comments below.